Just Me

I am constantly being reminded to blog on my author website. Yes, I know it’s important. Yes, I know it’s about marketing my name as a brand. Yes, I know it’s important for my readers to get to know me as a person as well as an author. Yes, I understand the logistics behind it…BUT I am probably one of the worst bloggers out there today and I freely admit it.

I never know what to write in my blog. I struggle with it every time I have to sit down and do it. Why? Because I always thought my life was pretty ordinary, boring even, and nothing exciting to write home about. And the trials and turbulence in my life always seemed too personal to me to share with the rest of the world. I am a private person. I hold my feelings close to my chest and only share freely with a few close friends. I have always been that way. I don’t believe that airing dirty laundry out on social media is the right thing to do…

Yes, like every mother, I do brag about my children on my blog. I can’t help it. I am so proud of each of them. But apparently the majority of my friends and even family members were completely shocked several months ago when I admitted that I was getting divorced after fourteen years together. No one saw it coming. My husband and I put on a very good front for several years to the outside world. But the truth of the matter was neither of us had been happy for a long time…years in fact. Even I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I finally moved on with my life and relocated from Indiana to Arizona.

Time passes, things change and so do our situations. Adapting to a new environment can be challenging, but I cannot say I am homesick. I’m really not. There are people at home whom I dearly miss. Friends and family that never leave my thoughts and will always reside in my heart. Faces that are so ingrained in my memory that I can simply close my eyes and see them as clearly as if they were standing in front of me.

Funny enough, it’s the silly things that you discover you miss a great deal as well. Things such as your favorite coffee mug, knowing where the post office is, where something is located in the grocery store you frequent. Goofy things like knowing where the paperclips are, knowing every little thing in the drawer in the coffee table…the drawer affectionately called the ‘apocalypse drawer’. Things I took for granted because they’d been there for as long as I can remember.

It’s hard letting go of the past and starting over. People have told me numerous times how much they admire me for being so brave. I’m not brave, I can assure you. Relocating across the country from everything and everyone I’d ever known was not a decision I made lightly. However, with my children grown and living lives of their own now, I felt it was time for me too to discover life beyond the confines of the small Indiana town I resided in.

I have been a mom since I was 19 years old. My entire adult life has always revolved around my children and every decision I made was always in what was best for them…not me. So, for the first time in my life, I got to consider what I wanted, what I desired, what dreams I wanted to chase. Questions that fluttered in the dark recesses of my mind but I was never allowed to entertain. And the more I paid attention to them, the more excited I became. I had never been allowed to put me first before and honestly it felt very foreign to do so.

So…I did and it feels amazing! I cannot say that I have regretted my decision to relocate even for a second. While it hasn’t been easy…starting over never is, but it is thrilling. I now look forward to each new day, new prospects, new adventures. I have met some kind and interesting people thus far and made some new friends. And most importantly, I found my smile and for the first time in years…I am happy!