Starting over is never easy. Saying goodbye is even harder. Dreaming of what can be, what will come out of all this pain is what drives me out of bed in the morning. It is not easy. I try not to look back at what was or what was supposed to be. Thoughts such as those are forbidden. Looking back only leads to pain and despair.
Ending a marriage is heartbreaking at best. Even after the anger subsides, the pain lingers. Hopefully, someday soon, the ache in my chest will subside. Fourteen years devoted to one person is something hard to let go of. I defined myself as the following; a mother, a wife, and an author. Now that one of those identities has been taken from me, I am trying to figure out where I belong in this new world I have been thrust into.
I have learned a few things about myself in the last nine months that I knew but had not fully recognized…if that makes sense. One…my mood definitely affects my writing. The second book in my With Honors series, Making the Dean’s List, was due to be released last December. As many of you already know, it did not. Why? Because it is extremely difficult, if not entirely impossible, to write erotica when you would rather hit the man in your life upside the head with an iron skillet than be romantic with him.
Two…everything material (except for my children’s photographs/family mementos) is replaceable. It kills me to think that everything I have worked so hard for in the last 23 years of my life has all but disappeared. I have never been a materialistic type person, but I had spent the last eleven years decorating our home. Carefully selecting furniture, nick-knacks, pictures, and so on and so forth for every room of our house turning it into a lovely home. And what do I have to show for it now? Boxes full of my children’s photos, a few family heirlooms from my grandparents, some DVDs, half of my clothes, and a third of my shoes. It’s too sad to even be pathetic.
Three…I am truly blessed. My oldest and dearest friend from high school, Patsy has taken me in. She has put a roof over my head, fed me, let me cry on her shoulder, and is helping me rebuild my life and career. She, her mother, her son, and his girlfriend have gone out of their way to make us feel at home. This amazing family has embraced me, supported me, and put up my little American Eskimo Spitz, DaVinci.
Divorce is never easy, even when children aren’t involved. Thankfully, mine are all grown. Still, this divorce has been difficult on them even though two of the three do not live at home any longer. I am trying to believe that the last fourteen years have not all been in vain, but it is hard to feel like it wasn’t just a waste of time. The last time I was single I was in my twenties. I cannot even fathom dating again, nor do I have any desire too.
For now, waking up over fourteen hundred miles from everything I have ever known, I am going to concentrate on building my new career, learning my way around Phoenix and the surrounding areas, and finishing both Illumination, the EVE series, book 4 and Making the Dean’s List, the With Honors series, book 2. The rest is just gravy and will come in due time.